1. Intense and Unstable Relationships
People with BPD often struggle with forming and maintaining stable relationships. They might swing between idealizing and devaluing others, leading to rapid shifts in feelings and attitudes towards those close to them.
How it shows up
Relationships that have many ups and downs, include frequent and highly charged disagreements.
Couples often go through hot and cold stages that feel like a rollercoaster.
Frequent temper tantrums similar to that of a child
Verbal and/or physical abuse (name calling)
Relationships may involve substance abuse in one or both partners as a method of relating to one another
Attachment Theory
Based on the attachment theory, individuals with BPD fall in love (become attached) quickly without first taking the time to determine the character of the person that they are idealizing. This is often inspired by the innate fear of abandonment the person with BPD is feeling.
In every interaction, individuals with BPD often look for any "warning" signs that may suggest that a partner may abandon them such as:
Partner who is not immediately responding to calls or texts
Partner who arrives home late
Partner who has a healthy relationship with his/her friends and like to spend time with them apart from his/her significant other
Partner tries to exit the room during a heated argument (to prevent it from escalating)
Learn More: Attachment Theory and Styles: A Brief Overview
Stages of BPD
Below is an outline of stages that describe a pattern commonly associated with relationships involving someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). It's important to note that individuals with BPD can exhibit a range of behaviors, and not everyone will go through these stages in the same way or to the same degree.
Here's a breakdown of the stages that were commonly observed:
Idealization (Stage One):
Individuals with BPD may idealize their partner, viewing them as perfect and placing them on a pedestal.
There is an intense focus on the positive qualities of the partner, and the relationship may feel all-consuming.
Devaluation and Fear of Abandonment (Stage Two):
Fear of abandonment can trigger a shift in perception, leading to devaluation of the partner.
Small incidents, such as perceived rejection or neglect, can evoke intense anxiety and fear of abandonment.
Testing and Pushing Away (Stage Three):
To cope with fears of abandonment, individuals with BPD may test their partner's commitment.
Behaviors such as pushing the partner away or creating conflict may occur as a way of seeking reassurance.
Intentional Distancing (Stage Four):
If attempts to test the partner are perceived as unsuccessful, individuals with BPD may intentionally distance themselves emotionally.
They may struggle with internal conflicts, simultaneously desiring closeness and fearing rejection.
Potential Crisis or End of Relationship (Stage Five):
The relationship may reach a crisis point, and individuals with BPD might contemplate ending it.
This stage can be marked by intense emotional turmoil, confusion, and difficulty maintaining stability in the relationship.
Post-Breakup (Stage Six):
If the relationship ends, individuals with BPD may experience intense emotions, self-doubt, and a fear of abandonment.
There may be attempts to reconnect with the partner or a cycle of idealization and devaluation.
It's crucial for individuals in relationships with someone who has BPD to be aware of these potential patterns and seek support, such as therapy or counseling, to navigate the challenges associated with the disorder. Understanding and communication are key in fostering healthy relationships in such situations.
Sources
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Gerhard Dammann 1, Claudia Hügli, Joseph Selinger, Daniela Gremaud-Heitz, Daniel Sollberger, Gerhard A Wiesbeck, Joachim Küchenhoff, Marc Walter. (2011). The self-image in borderline personality disorder: an in-depth qualitative research study. National Library of Medicine, 25(4), 517- 527.
Gunderson, J. G. (2009). Disturbed relationships as a phenotype for borderline personality disorder. The American Journal of Psychiatry, 166(11), 1238-1240.
Elizabeth Tianyu Li, Patrick Luyten, Nick Midgley. (2020). Psychological Mediators of the Association Between Childhood Emotional Abuse and Depression: A Systematic Review. National Library of Medicine, 4(11).
Bateman, A., & Fonagy, P. (2010). Mentalization based treatment for borderline personality disorder. Journal of World Psychiatry, 9(1), 11–15.
Stepp, S. D., Morse, J. Q., & Pilkonis, P. A. (2008). The effect of emotional abuse on anger and anger expression. Journal of Trauma & Dissociation, 9(4), 447-461.
Psychology Today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-upside-things/202105/how-different-attachment-styles-affect-relationships
Tragesser, S. L., Solhan, M. B., Brown, W. C., Tomko, R. L., & Bagge, C. L. (2007). The role of distress tolerance in the relationship between borderline personality disorder features and emotion-related impulsivity. Cognitive Therapy and Research, 31(6), 839-851.
Steele, H. (2012). Attachment-based parenting. New York: WW Norton & Company.
Cassidy, J., & Shaver, P. R. (Eds.). (2016). Handbook of Attachment: Theory, Research, and Clinical Applications (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.
Corinna Reichl, Michael Kaess. (2021). Self-harm in the context of borderline personality disorder. Current Opinion in Psychology, v.37(1), 139-144.
National Institute of Mental Health. (2020). Borderline Personality Disorder. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder/index.shtml
About Natalia Fiedler
Natalia is a writer, an explorer, and researcher. She writes and speaks about taking risks, exploring cultural and generational diversities and how they affect our society today. She has been writing content for over 16 years. Natalia is also an enthusiastic animal lover, and has provided a loving home for two rescued pups - Griffin and Ava. Beyond writing, she finds fulfilment in spending time with nature; from nurturing blossoming gardens to delving deep into the wilderness on her hikes. For her, nothing is more spiritually nourishing than exploring the great outdoors. "Our evolution continues despite our resistance to it – and resistance is exactly what continues to drive me forward" - Natalia Fiedler. Read more
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